Feel so fucking lost lately. I wish I had that one person I could confide in and tell my deepest darkest secrets. It gets lonely after sometime of not talking or letting anyone close in. Everyday, I become increasingly negative and resentful for not becoming that girl I dreamt about being since I was little. Its sickening how grossed out I am, from the way I look to how I present myself. I am aware of how annoying it is to complain about ones self and make no progress of fixing the imperfections. My energy is wasted and my time is spent. This life was a mistake and my intentions were pointless. Everything feels so wrong and everything I want seems impossible. Why? Why, does everything have to end up so messed up only to realize it so late in the game and I’m too tired to bother. Perhaps it will make winning so much more gratifying. But where do I get my strength, wisdom, or opportunities from. Who will help me push through the shit that has taken over. Who will love me? I am all I have to save myself from becoming old and bitter.
Best advice I could give at this point is “Don’t give a fuck what you think others will think of you. We are all fucked up in the worst ways and we tend to hate more people than we love but none of that matters as much as realizing that our lives stood for something great. That our existence truly mattered..”
So alright, yesterday was a great example how life can just flip any second. Lets just say enjoy the good times. I had my first look through at the Library where I will now be working and man its going to be a long couple of months. I have a lot to learn!!! I am getting to that point where I just don’t know how I will pull things off. I was so unprepared it was insane. Then I had a painting class later that day where I found out I lost all my skills in a course of 2 years since my last art class. Great, back to the drawing board, Literally :( My mom is constantly getting on me about never being home.. OH I’m sorry that I work all the time now and I go to school. I thought if I got a job and went to school I wouldn’t get yelled at for not doing anything, which I still do. The only way to prove I am not useless is to do every single thing that is asked of me, regardless if I can barely stand on my feet anymore. Don’t even get me started with guys. I had so many opportunities to become friends with a few and what do I do… I walk no NO I RUN in the other direction, avoiding eye contact at all times. I don’t deserve anyone if I can’t even face them. On top of that, my professor for my Proof and Logic class, which by the way is such a joke of a class, expects me to understand the reading… uh no I am not equipped to understand the hidden language of logic! FOR REAL, I spent 3 hours trying to understand what was written in 4 pages… it might as well be in LATIN. FML All I can say is that I am not staying home this weekend because I will most likely lose my fucking mind.
I just got my wisdom taken out and it was surprisingly really quick. I start work in 2 hours and decided to used that time watching Rear window directed by Alfred Hitchcock and also work on some pre- college signup stuff.. So far today is turning out to be interesting. The only reason I am looking forward to work is to see the guy I like who works in department next to mine :) Tomorrow is orientation, my sister and I are excited YAYAYAY !!
So far this summer has been a whirlwind of change. In 2 months I got 3 job opportunities, each one better than the next. I went from not having a call back for months to all these job openings. I feel truly blessed! Even this week is a busy one to say the least; wisdom tooth getting pulled Thursday, school orientation Friday, and Comic Con Saturday! Life is great <3 <3 <3 <3